Rob Gronkowski & Family

Rob "Gronk" Gronkowski - The Superstar
Gordie "Gord" Gronkowski - The Captain
Dan Gronkowski - The Brains
Chris Gronkowski - The One Seed
Gordy "Papa Gronk" Gronkowski - The Innovator

Rob "Gronk" Gronkowski
A.K.A. “The Superstar!” Rob is rated the #1 party rocker in all of pro sports. He is the superstar, he is the main attraction, the headliner, and there has never been a player in history in any sport that exemplifies excellence in the field of play in addition to the field of party rock. Men want to be him and chix want to be with him. His humility is astounding, which combined with his body builder physique, leaves women utterly susceptible to his charm! The weekend just cannot possibly be as wild if the superstar isn’t there. Rob has no filter, he doesn’t change who he is for anybody, and he lives his life how he sees fit. Whereas other athletes might be exhausted and want to go ice down and go to sleep, Rob rises above pain and injuries to party rock at all times and is unfazed and unintimidated by any obstacle that may stand in his path.

Gordie "Gord" Gronkowski
A.K.A. “The Captain.” As the oldest Gronk brother, this former professional baseball star and current professional big brother calls the shots, he makes the moves, and ensures that everyone’s always as positive as possible. He is an optimist and writes the blueprints for our party rocking tips by picking the cities, and getting us set up at whatever club or party we want to attend. He is the glue that holds the team together and when he is missing, things just aren’t the same. Gordie is a team player, he keeps everyone’s self confidence as high as the sky, even while all the girls are scratching and clawing at his silky smooth body! And for some reason they always do because he constantly looks like he got mauled by a cougar: both the animal and type of woman! His resiliency is amazing, as he seems to somehow rally through injury, drinks, and unfavorable conditions to stay turned up all the time!

Dan Gronkowski
A.K.A. “The Brains.” Dan looks like he is straight out of the movie 300 except he doesn’t need the CGI! He is tall, he is chiseled, and all the chix unanimously agree that he is very handsome. Dan is also the responsible one, and is the only one on the team that is no longer a bachelor. Even though we all are not thrilled to lose our brother to the institution of marriage, Dan’s bride-to-be is a cool chick, rages hard, and brings all her girlfriends around, so it’s OK by us! Constantly looking out for his teammates and preventing us from engaging in problematic scenarios, Dan uses his brains and great looks to lure chix into the party rock lair and then pass them along to us. Therefore he is the official chix recruiter and wingman for the team. Dan displays his dedication to the team by always providing valuable assists, which is why he has locked down the team’s unsung hero award!!!

Chris Gronkowski
A.K.A. “The One Seed.” Chris is a genius and could have gone to Harvard to play football but told them no thanks, for the sole reason that they don’t party. Chris is a wild man. Whether he’s throwing spine-crushing and punishing blocks or dominating every party he’s ever been to, Chris has an affinity for nudity and he gets so wild that we lose him a lot. He frequently disappears off the grid. But we never worry. Chris is a survivor and we usually find him facedown somewhere, or in a DJ booth after he abducted it. Chris is reminiscent of the legendary Vince Lombardi: he will leave it all on the field partying until he collapses, even if he collapses in the middle of the street, a dance floor, or on the floor of the library, because it’s all happened before.

Gordy "Papa Gronk" Gronkowski
A.K.A. “The Innovator.” Big G has taken party rocking to epic proportions over the past decades. A former college and pro football star himself, he has redefined party rocking year after year and he has established the precedent for us to live by. Big G will go down in history as one of the most legendary fathers in the history of the world. Cultivating four professional athletes with one more to come, fathers all over the world yearn to be like Big G. Perhaps that is why countless people have offered Big G big money to purchase his sperm so they can have the children of champions themselves. It’s not every day you can see a father hang with his sons on the dance floor, and it’s even more rare to have a father whose sons constantly get rejected by chix because they would rather hit on their dad instead. Women of all ages fall head over heels for the jackedness and dieselness of Big G, and his dance moves . . . Don’t even get us started on his awesome dance moves! He is a successful entrepreneur, a successful father, and the innovator of the Party Rockers!

 

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